Yesterday (Wednesday) I had I guess what you would call an attack. I was sitting in the parking lot of Glen’s market thinking that I could easily lose all the kids in my Sr. High youth Group. I had a sudden thought that they could just choose not to come to youth group anymore and choose another “more exciting” or “better” youth group. I suddenly felt entirely inadequate to do my job and that I am not cut out to do this. I sat there thinking, “Who am I to lead students?” It was hard to think about. I didn’t have time to think about it too much at the time because I was in a hurry and had a ton of other things to get done before or Wednesday night Tabernacle program started. So I drove back to the church and put it to the back of my mind.
That night, Lisa and I were talking about what we could pray about for each other. The first thing that came to my mind was what I had been thinking about earlier that day, so I told her about it. She comforted me…told me that I am inadequate, but everyone is inadequate and God uses us anyway and said some other things trying in her best effort to help me feel better. That was somewhat comforting, but still I was down trodden. I couldn’t shake this feeling of inadequacy and a feeling that I am not doing my job correctly. It was hard for me to think rationally about things and I couldn’t help but break down and cry.
After a few minutes I was able to begin to think about what I was feeling and my brain kicked into high gear. I was facing a problem and my first reaction was how do I fix it. What can I do to not feel inadequate? What do I do to keep the students who are coming to youth group coming and how do I get the students in our church who are not coming to come? (As I think about this now and write this, I don’t know if those were the right questions to be asking.) I didn’t come up with an answer last night, which frustrated me and eventually I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning with the same questions and thoughts running through my head…I’m not sure what to do and where to go from here. Lots of questions are still running through my head. Are my students growing in their faith? Are they being challenged to grow? Am I helping them to understand their faith and how to live it out in their lives? I feel like I should be able to answer those questions, but I don’t think I can.
So what does all this mean? I don’t know! I have a lot of praying and thinking to do. I was attacked with doubt and sorrow…two things I know that do not come from God. I still feel some of it right now. I need prayer and guidance. I need some encouragement from the Lord. God help me!
